Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.