All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
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I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
who wants to go expliring
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Just a reminder, folks:
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you