My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
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My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.