[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
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doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Good morning.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.