What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
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I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I get distracted pretty eas
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.