No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
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In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”