At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
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(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
We need to put an American base on the sun
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
😂😂😂
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY