If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
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If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Guilty! 🤪
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Yes