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ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Home #decor warning.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look