“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
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Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.