shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
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“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.