“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
You Might Also Like
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude