WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
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If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.