Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
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Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Leaving the Barbers like
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
FINE, I WON’T.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts