Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
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Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes