really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆