ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
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Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
not for long
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Just ordered me some pizza!
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it