PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
You Might Also Like
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…