The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
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THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
m’lady
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
who will stop them
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.