Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
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I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Wait a minute…
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Room with a view.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.