My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
You Might Also Like
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Thursday Thought.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot