[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
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her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on