[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
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Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.