wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
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Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?