turtles are just lizards who work in construction
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No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
What?
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
live, laugh, laundry.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.