Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
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[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I cannot stop laughing at this
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes