Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
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Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
🖤✌🏽
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.