I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
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I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird