I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
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I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix