I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
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I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Saturday
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.