*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
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It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Aight bet
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR