Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
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A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.