Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
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DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet