DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
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If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.