*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
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me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.