Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
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Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here