[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
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CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”