Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
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My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that