On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
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PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
what
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
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My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
going to the ER y’all need anything
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.