“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
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I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
🐕🍷
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Bring back the McRib
I put the mess in domestic.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking