[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
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Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.