I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
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My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I love twitter
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
#Caturday
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.