You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
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Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
why I oughta
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?