what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
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My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic