So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
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everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?