[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
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I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Cinematography is my passion
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank