I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
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I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Worth a try
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down