Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
You Might Also Like
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
When I pack too much for a short trip.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.