Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
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[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
uh oh
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
next question.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*