When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
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St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Happy birthday to all the women
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is